In the second episode of the Parent Project Podcast, Creating Agreements for Healthy Relationships, a group of parents and grandparents explores how we can use agreements as a tool to navigate the needs and desires of everyone in the family.
Family rules are important. They are statements on how we want to treat each other and they create structure in a busy family life. Setting rules, and applying rules in your family can be hard. Kids can be upset; wouldn’t it be so much easier if we could say ‘yes’ all the time?
Saying ‘yes’ all the time, is probably not the best idea, but sometimes setting up agreements instead of rules, can be a game changer. The main difference between rules and agreements is that rules are something you have to follow, whether you like it or not, while an agreement is something you want to follow, for reasons you believe are best. “If kids can have input, they are more likely to follow through,” says Zoe Fox in the second episode of The Parent Project.
Agreements relate to empathy and respect, podcast host Kate Nash adds. “Rules can feel uncomfortable because they are not flexible. Agreements acknowledge that everybody has an opinion. Agreements still can be rules, but there is an agreement on why the rule is important and everybody understands the purpose of it. It is easier to get on board with a rule that makes sense than one that doesn’t make sense.”
Listen to episode 2 here (or in your favourite podcast app)
For each episode of the Parent Project Podcast, host Kate Nash curated games, activities, resources, reflections and family practices to use, listen to, and do at home.
Game
Human Knot Game:
Have each member of the family stand in a circle, facing toward each other. Each person should be standing shoulder to shoulder. First, instruct everyone to lift their left hand and reach across to take the hand of someone standing across the circle. After you're in your circle, reach out and hold hands with two different people in the circle, excluding the two people to either side of you. Each left hand should hold a left hand, and each right hand a right.
Now that you have formed a human knot, you have to try to untangle the knot without letting go of each other’s hands. You can play this game with as few as four people. You may find you or others need to duck under the hands of other players, step over a pair of hands, or do similar moves to untangle your knot.
After the Human Knot game, you can ask these questions:
What spoken or unspoken agreements did we make when we played that game?
What agreements would have helped?
Goals of the Human Knot Game: team building and communication, problem-solving and making agreements.
Watch
Take 5 for Adults: Dr. Ross Greene on Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child
Ross W. Greene is an American clinical child psychologist and author of the books The Explosive Child, Lost at School, Lost & Found, and Raising Human Beings. Greene developed a model of intervention called Collaborative & Proactive Solutions. He has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology.
Family practice
Build agreements for your family.
Start by asking everyone what an agreement is they would like to help maintain a happy and healthy home. Make a list of these agreements and make sure everyone understands what each agreement means. See if there are others to add. Put them up on the fridge or a spot that will be noticed.
Check in about the agreements every so often to see if they are relevant and being followed. Be open to adding new ones or changing those that do not serve everyone.
The Parent Project Podcast is sponsored by Island Savings, a division of First West Credit Union.
